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[somepig]

display name: Spider-Ham
profile pic: here
notes: n/a

[What appears onscreen is a pig in a Spider-Man suit. He doesn't look quite real, though. Aside from the fact that he walks on two limbs? He also looks over-saturated and cel-shaded. Like a cartoon character come to life.]

Howdy fellow Confluencers! That's the right word for it right? I'm Spider-Ham! I'm sure most of you want to get home by now, and lucky for you I got this handy dimensional travel watch. Watch and be amazed as I teleport from here to back to mine then back to here in the blink of an eye.

[He doesn't teleport]

...in the blink of an eye.

[He still doesn't teleport]

Hang on for second folks, technical difficulties. Lemme just flip this open and- wait, where's the Bee-Yonder? Okay, there's a note here...On vacation, bee back later.

ON VACATION, BEE BACK LATER? You've gotta be kidding me! What is this hogwash?

Comments

Audio; un: robin

[mostdangerousbird]

That doesn’t seem very hamdy.

Re: Audio; un: robin

[somepig]

I know. Kinda makes me look like a bit of a sham. A pig in a poke, even.

I swear, this usually works! I jump dimensions all the time. I saved the multiverse with a bunch of alternate mes! More than once!

[mostdangerousbird]

Saving the multiverse comes up a lot, or so it would seem.

un: Venom — Video

[frenchkissed]

Is the pig motif just a brand thing, or are you actually a pig who talks?

Re: un: Venom — Video

[somepig]

I am actually a pig who talks. I am also actually a pig who dances, sings, and punches people in face.

[frenchkissed]

You ever have trouble with people, uh, taking you seriously?

audio; Display Name: Spider-Man

[tinglesense]

[ Wow, what in the hell... ]

Sorry, Spider-Ham?

[ He has no idea how to even start with this one. ]

Uh...sorry, buddy, nothing that would teleport anyone back to their own world works here. You're as stuck as the rest of us.

Re: audio; Display Name: Spider-Man

[somepig]

Yeah, I thought I could get around that with mine, since it's powered by an omnipotent bee. You saw how well that worked out. He could've at least warned me.

And I'm guessing you weren't part of any of the big multiversal spider-totem team-ups, huh, newbie? You'd know me if you were.

[tinglesense]

It's…

[ WHAT THE HELL! ]

An omnipotent bee? That's…different. I guess your bee friend got left at home, then.

[ This has got to be the weirdest conversation he's had in a minute. ]

Spider-totem? No, I…honestly, I only found out the multiverse is real not that long ago, before I came here.

This is…really a weird question and I'm sorry but is something going on with your video display? You look kind of…like…something's off.

Video; un: Mysterio

[makeanentrance]

.... Why are you dressed like Spider-Man?

[Beck is wearing his helmet but can be heard perfectly well.]

Re: Video; un: Mysterio

[somepig]

I'm guessing it's for the same reason you're dressed like Moosesterio. Alternate universes, pal. Try to keep up.

[makeanentrance]

Mooseterio?

... I am aware of alternate universes but I don't recall one populated with talking animals.

video; un: otto octavius

[doctopoda]

[Otto just. Stares dead-eyed at this for a little bit. It's hard to tell with the glasses, but you kinda get that vibe.

...yeah. You know what, this may as well be happening today. Why the hell not.]

Is this pig thing standard, where you're from?

[You know what, if he has to deal with this now, please at least tell him you somehow have pig powers.]

Re: video; un: otto octavius

[somepig]

Not just pigs. We've got all sorts of animals.

For instance, in my universe you're a cat. Goes by the name of Doctor Octopussycat.

[And he does have pig powers. By virtue of being a spider turned into a pig.]

[doctopoda]

[Otto snorts. Actually, no, he just bursts into laughter. It's the kind you get when someone is very tired and just sort of Done, but like? It's also objectively funny.]

That's worse! That's actually worse than Doctor Octopus!

un: Squirrel Girl

[eatsnutsandkicksbutts]

Oh my gosh!

[ Squirrel Girl is DELIGHTED, this is the best thing ever! Also, puns! He does puns! ]

I'm sorry your friend buzzed off, but hi, you're amazing!

Re: un: Squirrel Girl

[somepig]

Correction, I'm spectacular. Amazing is the other guy in spider-themed tights. But thanks!

LOKIOFASGARD, text;

[ikols]

[ Being invisible kind of sucks right now but he can't not respond to this, not when his boyfriend is a Peter. ]

i think this brings us up to 5 spider-folk

Re: LOKIOFASGARD, text;

[somepig]

Ooh, which ones? Anybody I'd know?

Keep in mind I know a lot of them.

video; @h.osborn

[nepotis]

You have got to be fucking joking. As if multiple Spider-Men weren't enough, now we've got a Spider-Hog?

[ At least it's not thirty to fifty feral spider-hogs. ]

What do you do, sniff out crime like it's a truffle?

Re: video; @h.osborn

[somepig]

More or less. And it's Ham. Unless you want me to go around calling you Harvey.

video / un: usagi.tsukino

[tiaraaction]

Oh my gosh you are so cute - !

[she has a talking cat-alien, this is fine. ] I'm sorry your device isn't working, thank you for trying though.

Re: video / un: usagi.tsukino

[somepig]

Thanks for noticing!

text | un: JINX!!

[whimsikills]

oh my janna u are the weirdest lookin yordle i have ever seen

Re: text | un: JINX!!

[somepig]

Can I tell you a secret? Really, you gotta keep this under your hat.

It's because I'm really a pig. Huge shock, I knkw.