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[somepig]

display name: Spider-Ham
profile pic: here
notes: n/a

[What appears onscreen is a pig in a Spider-Man suit. He doesn't look quite real, though. Aside from the fact that he walks on two limbs? He also looks over-saturated and cel-shaded. Like a cartoon character come to life.]

Howdy fellow Confluencers! That's the right word for it right? I'm Spider-Ham! I'm sure most of you want to get home by now, and lucky for you I got this handy dimensional travel watch. Watch and be amazed as I teleport from here to back to mine then back to here in the blink of an eye.

[He doesn't teleport]

...in the blink of an eye.

[He still doesn't teleport]

Hang on for second folks, technical difficulties. Lemme just flip this open and- wait, where's the Bee-Yonder? Okay, there's a note here...On vacation, bee back later.

ON VACATION, BEE BACK LATER? You've gotta be kidding me! What is this hogwash?

Comments

un: Venom — Video

[frenchkissed]

Is the pig motif just a brand thing, or are you actually a pig who talks?

Re: un: Venom — Video

[somepig]

I am actually a pig who talks. I am also actually a pig who dances, sings, and punches people in face.

[frenchkissed]

You ever have trouble with people, uh, taking you seriously?

[somepig]

Nobody should be taking me at all. That is pignapping sir, and I won't stand for it.

[frenchkissed]

Oh, my God? Is your thing clever puns?? Is that your power? Puns??

[somepig]

That's every Spidey's power. My thing is this

[Peter pulls a large wooden mallet out of nowhere-]

Don't try this at home kids! I'm a trained porkfessional!

[-and starts bashing himself in the head with it until it's a flattened, distorted mess.]

[Then it pops back into shape.]

See? Neat trick, right?

[frenchkissed]

Jesus—

( okay, yeah, eddie gets that this is a cartoon thing that this guy has going on, but still seeing an adorable pig commit goofy acts of self harm has eddie's face contorted in concern. )

Do me a favor and, like, never do that again...

[somepig]

I make absolutely no promises!

[He tosses the hammer behind him. There's clanging, and the sound of a cat yowling.]

Sorry! My bad!

So, what's your thing?