RUE MOORE HAS IT: JULY EDITION

[ruemoore]

Hel-lo Metacuties- Rue here. Bet'cha missed me~.

I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of my absence, but rest assured, I’ve brought more than enough gossip about your favorite heroes and villains.

[Rue winks.]

Let’s just jump right into it.

Arrowsfan reached out with a quiver of hot tips about our favorite thundering Viking. It turns out he might not be as tough as he lets on.

Thor was seen crying behind a jaeger because he fractured his toe but didn't want to seem weak. Maybe because he’s claustrophobic? Allegedly, he was too scared to get in the jaeger because of it. Later on in the battle, Thor was seen telling a kaiju it was beautiful both inside and out. When it did not accede to his flirtations he decided to kill it to save his ego! Sounds like someone doesn't deal well with rejection!

Good news for all you lonely hearts out there! I've heard that Tony Stark is in love with one of the models who posed for his line of dildos - but they are already married! His heart is broken, and he is open to flings in the hope of mending it!

Sources also report that Robin is the most eligible bachelor in all of Central City. If you catch him atop a rooftop after dark, rumor is you will be rewarded with a kiss...oh, speaking of, has anybody seen that freaky clown ARG going on?

And VENOM!!!!!! [Rue somehow reads this with all of the exclamation points!] is here to let us know that a certain Eddie Brock is, and I quote, “EDDIE BROCK IS A HANDSOME AND ELIGIBLE BACHELOR WHO IS WELL DESERVING OF A MATE”!

In fashion news, up-and-coming wunderkind David Alleyne was seen taking off a pair of shades, only to reveal another pair underneath! Can you say new fashion trend?

The Supreme Loki has come in hot with a report that there is a fourth Loki running amok! This one is a badass teen and claims to be funnier, smarter, and prettier than all other Lokis combined! How exciting for us!

Anonymous has also reported that the reason Prodigy wears a helmet is because they're not actually a meta in the way they say. They're actually an ancient Dullahan seeking its long missing steed. And this one wears a ton of yellow so no one will realize it's a Dullahan and use its weakness of gold to drive it away!

Another anonymous superfan of our new favorite idol says that Gungnir is secretly trying to eat at as many restaurants as possible, and you may be able to catch her out of costume at one if you can manage to recognize her. Hint: She apparently eats a lot. Like, A LOT.

Finally, multiple citizens from Central City have reported something strange. There's something mysterious happening in the karaoke bars across Central City, possibly caused by an uncontrolled meta. Karaoke goers find themselves dancing against their will, sometimes laughing against their will as well. One night nobody in the bar was able to speak for thirty minutes! There's also the time everyone felt dizzy, but that could've been the beer talking.

Comments

[slowmotionbuscrash]

Asghdjdkej shit sorry I fell asleep reading that.

This is how you argue that you’re not dull and ancient?

[helpdesk_hero]

You've LITERALLY seen my face, Speed.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

And I’ll take that with me to the grave.

Which might come sooner for one of us. Who’s old and horseless.

[helpdesk_hero]

Literally have never ridden a horse in my entire life.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

Guess I’ll have to hold out hope that the Two-Gun Kid shows up.

[helpdesk_hero]

Hope that who shows up?

[slowmotionbuscrash]

NEVERMIND I'm not gonna be the nerdy one here.

[helpdesk_hero]

Don't be ashamed of your nerdy aspects, Speed. We both know that you've got a small streak of it, just like everyone else in your family.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

Nope nope not touching that statement it's a trap. I plead the 5th. Lawyer.

[helpdesk_hero]

I remember how you were with Northstar. You're totally a nerd for other speedsters at the very least.

un: elixir

[resurrxion]

morally obligated 2 point out how old you look has nothing 2 do w how old u are inside & we have met enf ancient dudes who look 20 to know that
& also dude ilu but spiritually yore like 100000000

[helpdesk_hero]

Meanwhile I'm obligated to point out that you are sufficiently capable of certainty of my age.

And if I'm spiritually that old, it's because you age me.

[resurrxion]

im also the reason youll never need to get work done
ur welcome

[helpdesk_hero]

And yet here I am, getting work done. Because it needs done. Shock.

[And of course, a private message from his personal account only moments later.]

You'll never believe who my new roommate is.

[slowmotionbuscrash]

THANK YOU

[resurrxion]

yw yw

[slowmotionbuscrash]

I tried to get him out of his own head. Was he planning for retirement when you met him?

[resurrxion]

YES
what 18 yo cares about his 401k???????

[slowmotionbuscrash]

what 18 year old UNDERSTANDS a 401k?

[resurrxion]

the supergenius who spent way too much time passively pcking up on cyclopses neurosises

[slowmotionbuscrash]

I don't want to know do I