It would be pretty wild to lose half a universe in the couch cushions.

[ AWKWARD LAUGH, why did he bring this up? Why can't he ever just shut up? ]

There was this...guy...named Thanos. He's an alien, I guess? A really powerful alien and he thought that he could solve scarcity by, you know. Killing half the universe. He got these crazy powerful objects called Infinity Stones and if you get all of them you can pretty much do whatever you want.

[ There's some details of this that Peter is missing or not aware of. He wasn't supposed to be involved, after all, not really. ]

So eventually he got them and...did what he said he was going to do.

[ A pause. It's too long. Shit, say something else. ]

So they weren't, you know, missing. Half the universe didn't exist.

[ He's skirting around the part where he's included in that half. ]

But the Avengers fixed it. It just...took them five years. So everything is pretty messed up, since people blipped back right where they'd disappeared, which was sometimes in a house other people now owned and things? Yeah, it's a mess.

Sorry, the jokes were a lot better than all of this crap.